Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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