Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A+ Viking dick
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
