Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
