I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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