Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
