if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
