It's like a parade of train wrecks.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
