While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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