that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
