I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
