This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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