Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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