is your mom at the bar?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
