Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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