She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
