I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
