Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
