I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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