I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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