I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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