had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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