I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
