Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
