I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
