i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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