3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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