she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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