i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
