I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
