I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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