Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
