How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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