I'm passing your future prison.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
