Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
