I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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