When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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