Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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