Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
