youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
