there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
we should paint friendship bongs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
