Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
