Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
