Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
