saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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