It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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