So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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