I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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