btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
