I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
