I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
