i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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