After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
