new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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