Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
